So I have been married for 16yrs now and I must say the thought of knowing that your partner whom you trust and share your life with is having another love relationship with another women. trust me I have had my share of those. But when it happened I had all the evidence and I did not go and scream…I sat down and decided what do “Mavis” want? yeap that is more important than what people will say or think. Its me not everyone who is married to him. So I decided to sit and we talked. Now the lie still comes out but what his excuse was did not change what I had already decided to do. Everyone is very different so please reading this blog is to give you some ideas but not to change or make you think that it’s OK for a man or woman to cheat in a relationship especially in marriage. perception is key in all this. I am still married and I did forgive my husband but not for him but its for me to free my spirit and soul and not to hold on and suffer for a fun he had. remember he or she was not sad when they where committing the infidelity so why feel sad and be in pain for them. let go and stay if that is what you want or let go and move on if that is also what you desire. I don’t think any man or woman should be judge for their actions since we all have our very own choices and no one can make it for us. Love is a beautiful experience and we must be in a blissful moments with it. hope some of my steps will help you as it helped me in the first 5yrs of my marriage.
Make sure you have evidence. You do not want to confront your partner without some kind of proof. Even if you are positive your partner is cheating, your partner may be inclined to lie or become defensive if you don’t have definitive proof. Going into the situation, present some kind of evidence.
- See if you can find anything that proves your suspicions. You may, for example, have received confirmation from a friend ( which you must be very careful with that). You may also have stumbled upon incriminating evidence through their phones or email.
- Evidence can also help you feel more relaxed. Confrontation is inherently uncomfortable. You will feel more at ease confronting your partner if you’re sure of yourself.
Plan the confrontation. You do not want to run into the room angry and begin yelling at your partner. While imagining a wild confrontation may feel cathartic, it’s unlikely to go over well in real life. In order to get what you want out of a confrontation, you need to have a plan.
- Choose a time and place where you can both talk. You want a time that is not disrupted by outside commitments. For example, agree to talk on a weekend afternoon when you are both free.and make sure to put your phones off.
- Plan on presenting your evidence rather than asking. If someone’s been cheating, they’re likely to want to lie rather than own up to the fact.
Think about what you want. You should have some goals in mind going into the conversation. You cannot predict how the other person will react, or what he or she will want, but you can have an idea of what you hope to gain from the confrontation.
- Where do you want to go from here? Do you want to come to a decision about the relationship, or have you already decided you want to end things?
- You may also have certain questions. You may, for example, want an explanation for the infidelity. You may want to know why your partner acted the way they did, and whether they want to work things out. You can, for example, ask something like, “Why did you go to this other person when I was right there?”
Write down your thoughts. It’s very important to go into the conversation having a sense of what you want to say. You should write down your thoughts ahead of time. In difficult conversations, it can be hard to speak on the spot. If you formulate your thoughts ahead of time, this can help.
- Think about what your feeling. What are the best ways to articulate this? How can you best make your feelings clear? Try to figure this out as you write and rewrite your thoughts on the page.
- Also, consider what you want again. Do you have an end goal for the conversation? If so, include that here.
Release your expectations. You do not want to go into the conversation expecting it to go one way or another. This may affect your behavior, and make it more difficult to remain calm. Talking about cheating will be an emotionally draining experience. If you indulge fantasies in which your partner gets mad or defensive, you will go into the conversation on edge.
- Instead, embrace what you don’t know. Think to yourself, as you enter the conversation, “I don’t know.” Remind yourself, as the conversation begins to unfold, “I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t know how my partner will react.”
Try to remain calm. It’s important to stay calm if you want to address the situation in a productive fashion. You likely have questions you want answered and issues you want addressed. In order for this to happen, you cannot completely lose control.
- Take a few deep breaths before going into the conversation. You may want to even vent your emotions ahead of time, to someone else or in a journal, to get them out of your system.
- It’s okay to have emotions. You may cry or become angry. However, strive to keep these emotions from inhibiting your ability to communicate effectively. You can also act on your emotions after dealing with the situation.
Address any reasons for infidelity. Infidelity usually has some underlying cause. While no one needs to take all of the blame, there may have been an underlying issue with your relationship. You should discuss this to figure out how to best move forward. This is particularly important if you want to salvage the relationship.
- Your partner may be hesitant to open up about why they cheated. Factors that lead to an affair are sensitive, and your partner may want to spare your feelings. However, underlying factors need to be addressed in a healthy fashion.
- As you address the reasons for the affair, go in with the right mindset. Do not think of it as any one person taking the blame. The two of you are working, collaboratively, on what may have gone wrong and whether it can be fixed.
Decide if you want to stay. Infidelity is not always insurmountable. Many couples find a way to move on from an affair. However, infidelity is also a major breach of trust. After the confrontation, you may find the relationship is not worth salvaging.
- Remember, you need to know a lot about a situation before you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. During the confrontation, you should have uncovered a lot of facts about your relationship and your partner.
- Do not make a decision right away. Spend a few days thinking things over and weighing the pros and cons. Making a decision about whether to stay after infidelity is never easy. Take all the time you need.
Commit to healing as a couple, if that’s what you want. If you decide you want to stay together, both of you need to commit to the healing process. Try to abandon feelings of blame and anger. Move forward together as a couple.
- Moving on together is reassuring for the partner who was betrayed. It is also encouraging for the partner who was unfaithful. You want to work on creating a new foundation for the relationship.
- Accept that it will take time for you to re-build trust and intimacy. Lay down some ground rules in regards to things like communication. For example, maybe it would be best not to address the affair directly right now. You could say something like, “I think we should work on having as normal a relationship possible. I don’t want to mention the affair going forward unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
Reach out to others for help. It’s important to seek emotional support after a partner has cheated. If you need to vent your feelings, reach out to friends and family members.
- Remember not to be vindictive. You don’t want to spread negativity about your partner. Focus on yourself and your feelings rather than complaining about your partner. Talk about our own feelings. Say something like, “I feel so hurt by what he or she did” instead of, “He or she really hurt me because he’s or she’s a jerk.”
- Whether you decide to remain in the relationship or not, the support of others here is important. You deserve care, love, and support after having been betrayed.
- Remember it’s really ok to cry and you should not be ashamed to do so. if you need to do it in your room or bathroom…let it all out and move on to either working it out or moving on to being apart.