Before I start this blog, let me first share with you the meaning of that word “unconditional”
“Within the relationship itself, unconditional love is the ability to love the other person as they are in their essence. … Unconditional love within the context of a good relationship is a dance in which both partners participate. You begin with the essentials of self-love and mutual love and respect”.
Now that we have gotten that out of the way lets start with how that can help in your relationship and how it has helped me in so many ways when am just about to throw in the towel and let it all go…
Point one is ” Men Pull away” get us to that
Love… What is love? Love is to love someone for who they are, who they were, and who they will be.”
Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt it was the other person’s job to make you happy, to meet all of your needs, to understand you and know what you want without asking? I know I very much guilty of this behavior in the first few years of my marriage.
Or have you been on the other side of this scenario? You were the partner expected to fulfill the other person and manage their happiness. And I have certainly been on this side before…at least that is how I felt.
Either situation is perpetually frustrating. One partner never feels happy and content in the relationship because they are looking to the other person to perform the impossible. Expectation is such a bummer..
And the other partner feels unappreciated and overwhelmed by the inexhaustible emotional demands and needs of the other.
Sometimes this situation plays out where both partners expect the other person to fulfill them and “make” them happy. They are in a perpetual stand-off of neediness and frustration leading to disengagement in the relationship.
Lasting relationships simply cannot be built upon a partnership in which one or both people are seeking a host organism to provide emotional and psychological nourishment.
Lasting relationships require unconditional love.
The term “unconditional love” might imply that one does attempt to meet all of the needs of the other, to read their minds, to accept and overlook all of the partner’s behaviors and actions no matter how selfish or demanding. But am here to tell you that is not the unconditional love am talking about.
This is not unconditional love. This is co-dependent love. It’s not grounded in a healthy foundation of self-respect and respect for the unique individual sharing the relationship with you. so make sure to identify which one you are exploring and experiencing in your relationship.
What is unconditional love?
Unconditional love in a relationship begins with oneself. To set the foundation for a lasting, healthy relationship, you must first have a strong sense of self-esteem and self-confidence (you don’t need anyone or in this case any man or woman to tell you that you are beautiful..if you have to be reminded then write a note on paste it on your mirror and around your home). This doesn’t mean you never have emotional difficulties or don’t need support and extra attention at times.
But you do need to feel generally good about yourself, to like yourself, and to recognize the positive qualities you bring to a relationship. It also means you can stand on your own two feet as an individual without requiring a romantic partner to define you or complete you. You can be together with someone and still remain fully yourself — as a person you like and respect. this is what unconditional love truly means…you can only give what you already have.
If you need to improve your self-esteem or don’t feel confident in yourself as a capable, valuable person, then your relationship will suffer. Your insecurities will have an impact on your partner and on your mutual happiness. The best thing you can do for your relationship is to learn to love yourself and respect yourself. Offering unconditional love to yourself means you are able to view yourself as lovable and worthy — in spite of any perceived flaws or past mistakes.
Within the relationship itself, unconditional love is the ability to love the other person as they are in their essence. If you have fallen in love with this person and want to build a lasting relationship with them, then you must view them as a unique individual — not as an extension of yourself.
When you find someone who loves you as you are, and you are able to love them as they are, it is an amazing experience and I must say its easier for a woman to experience this than it is for men. They may be different from you in many ways. They may view the world differently and have habits that you don’t share, but you can embrace these differences because they are part of this unique person you love.
But is love enough to build a lasting relationship? And does unconditional love mean that no matter what your partner does, your feelings don’t change? No to both questions….
Unconditional love within the context of a good relationship is a dance in which both partners participate. You begin with the essentials of self-love and mutual love and respect. You see and embrace the core of the other, their innate personality and worldview. You acknowledge the influences of their upbringing, life experiences, and ingrained behaviors.
But . . . unconditional love within the context of a lasting relationship requires lots of wiggle room. As part of self-love, you know your own personal boundaries and the limits of what you find to be acceptable and healthy behaviors and reactions from your beloved.I am still learning what my husband behavior is as they seem to keep changing every time. When my husband “cheated” on me I thought I meant nothing to him and God knows I was so sad and my self -esteem just dropped. But then I asked myself….what changed? and when I looked back I realized nothing changed…I changed. he did what he may have done either way even if he was married to me or to the most beautiful woman in the universe. So I remembered my unconditional love that I knew I had for him. and that is what pulled me through. I did not do it for him, I did it for me “Mavis Francois” and it felt right. I loved me unconditionally and it rubbed off him. He benefited from my unconditional love to myself.
When both partners are aware of their personal boundaries and are committed to communicating them in loving and non-threatening ways, then the relationship can continue to re-calibrate and grow ever stronger over the years.
With the ability to communicate openly, negotiate willingly, and compromise and make adjustments, you can build a strong relationship in which unconditional love develops and grows more satisfying over time. Time makes it all work…
As I type this blog and thinking to myself…it has been 1 month and I have not seen my husband and he is not out working…he is out partying and living life…the life he chooses to live. he calls and talks to me if and when he feels like it. But does that change his love for me? you can see all the possible things that could be going through my head that can easily mess up the experience of a genuine unconditional love. the expectation of what a husband is suppose to do can be what can kill our marriage. so I do the best I can to love him from afar and unconditionally. trust me there are days I am confronted with the worldly expectations but since I am very much aware of my personal boundaries and my limit I make sure to remind myself that its all about me and not him. I am here with him because I choose too…and the same way I can choose not to be here with him.
Unconditional love is such a beautiful and freeing soul experience and must be experience by all mankind. I love my husband with all his floss and if and when that personal boundaries of mine is reached nothing can stop me to make a change.
so why not love unconditionally when you can and have the choice too…I hope this brings you closer to some awareness of that power you all have as a man and as a woman.