why Do women cheat??????

Do women actually cheat in any relationship? Either friendship, family, business or romance?

First things first,  If you’re female and reading this wondering why I’m only writing about women who cheat, know that i am a woman and I have nothing against us as women. I am only trying to let you the label cheat is not what I feel it is, I feel like society have created a negative vibe with this word.

Let’s first define the word cheat=  {“To act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage over someone).

well by the above definition it means we all cheat someway or another at some point in our life….like when the call comes in and you ignore even when you can pick it and answer the person….how about when you run a race and you learn how your opponent run race so you can win….oh..wait how about the time when you compete with someone. so you we all do….but we are mostly focused on just the romance and makes a huge deal out of this word and the action behind it.

So now since romance is our highest priority when it comes to cheating let talk about why women cheat….

1. The definition speaks to the most basic element of what happens when we cheat on our partners. We betray their trust. In such cases, even more than our sex-extra activity, it is the lying and the secrecy of betrayal that wounds anyone especially our love ones.

2. The definition helps the cheater understand that the problem  she created occurred the moment she started lying to accommodate or cover up  her infidelity. The harm is not the other person  finding out the bad news — the harm is that it was covered up by someone you trust.

3. They feel under-appreciated, neglected, or ignored.  Women will feel more like a housekeeper, nanny, or financial provider than a wife or girlfriend. So they seek an external situation that validates them for who they are, rather than the services they provide in a relationship.

4. We crave intimacy.  Women tend to feel valued and connected to a significant other more through non-sexual, emotional interplay (talking, having fun together, being thoughtful, building a home and social life together,  than sexual activity. When we do not feel that type of connection from our primary partner, we tend to seek it elsewhere.

5. We are lonely. Women can experience loneliness in a relationship for any number of reasons. Maybe their spouse works long hours or travels for business on a regular basis, or maybe their spouse is emotionally unavailable. Whatever the cause, they feel lonely, and they seek connection through infidelity to fill the void.

6. Women expect too much from a primary relationship. Some women have unreasonable expectations about what their primary partner and relationship should provide. They expect their significant other to meet their everyday need 24/7, 365 days a year, and when that doesn’t happen, they seek to find that  elsewhere.

7. We are not having enough satisfying sex at home. There is a societal misconception that only men enjoy sex. oh thats so wrong. Lots women also enjoy sex, and if they’re not getting it at home, or it’s not enjoyable to them, for whatever reason, they may as well seek it elsewhere just like it is allowed by men.

The notion that only  men are ok to cheat is so wrong as we are all humans with the same blood flowing through our veins. In my opinion we all know the consequences of how our actions can hurt a love one and we choose to still do what we do.

So go on and be ready to give your reason for such act. I think if and when you don’t get the above listed things you should communicate with your partner and give them the reason that might be for your future actions.

 

Good luck and rock on women…..

 

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Don’t Hide… Be You

Most people have two sides of themselves. The self that they show to their love ones and the self for their friends. I have come to realize that if you truly believe in the you that you are being then why be ashamed to show it to everyone around you.

Being you and showing it means that you are sure of who you are and you are not afraid to show it to the world.

When you have different lives and faces it only shows that you are weak and you are not sure of who you are being, this will only create issues for you in the future. Since you cannot be someone else for a long period of time.

When you arrive in your relationship come with your cup full…arrive with a full cup of yourself. This does not mean that you are selfish…this only means you are self-full and ready to share what you truly have.

Always trust yourself to make the right decisions in your life. trust your self that you will listen to that voice inside that helps you go through life and explore this universe.

When people disappoint you or abandon…you dont need to say “I don’t trust them anymore” you will be ok because you trust yourself and who you are being.

People only respect up to the boundaires you set. So decide upfront and set boundaires and keep those boundaires, don’t allow another person decide how high or low or far you boundaires should be set.

It’s like having a house…you are the only person who can allow anyone into your space or house. thats how boundaires  of a life style are set so make sure to set them the way your want. And they can change in the future but it must be done by you not by the other person who thinks thats what it should be.

When you hold secrets of your life from the love ones around you it only means that you are guilty or who you are being and have been. trust that who you have been or are being is by your choice. The moment you start to feel the need to tell a lie about your being you have already gotten your answer….its not the real you.

Love people around you and respect them enough to tell them the real you. The first instance it might feel awful and probably hurt but trust me it probably the best thing you could ever do for yourself and the people you share your space with. And once you tell who you are being if they stay in your space then they understand and are ok, but if they decide that, it’s not the space they want to be in then it’s alright to allow them exit your space. this is very deep but very simple life and universal principle.

partnership in any aspect is truly beautiful and must be cherished to the fullest. So I hope you get to enjoy this moments that you have decided to be you.

 

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so Break free and BE YOU and show the world who you are BEING….The people around you deserves the real YOU.

 

I hope this truly helps

 

Message sent….but no reply

Those can be very frustrating when you send a message to your spouse and for some reason that you have no awareness of did not get a reply…but you get reply for other messages from him or her that does not answer you question. Yeap….I have those moments. And as I sit around I try to think it through and say how can I make sure that I don’t have expectation when I send a message to my partner. well that is not possible.

Communication is two way experience and when it becomes a one way moments then one partner will feel neglected. so I say learn to answer questions or comment of statements to help the other partner feel that you are listening even when you are not around each other. address issues before they blow up…when things crack up dont wait for them to completely break. fix them.

As a woman I am very aware of what could possibly generate emotions that dont need to be generated. So before it all blows up I make the effort to communicate how I feel and how my partner can help me.

so whats my lesson in all this experience?  send a message and when you don’t get a response….call then person….and wait for them to respond and dont assume. And allow for explanation to help understand their reason for not replying to your message.

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communication is Key to all great relationship…..

 

TIPS FOR HOMESCHOOLING HIGH SCHOOL kids.

Ok so after that question (which totally does not make any sense to me, at this point in my life), the other question I get as an  homeschool parent  is “Do you plan to continue homeschooling in high school?“…with a grin on my face…I answer with the info below.

I remember my friends and family as well as strangers asking me this when my kids were still in kindergarten and 2nd grade. I always wanted to answer “well… no. I think I want to try 2nd through 8th grades first.” People seem to be obsessed with the idea that high school is some how too difficult for parents to teach, especially algebra and science

my 2 highschoolers and I  are just finishing up 10th grade year and it is really going well and less stressful than most people think( remember am still homeschooling my 7th and 1st grader too). We  are learning, planning for their future, and enjoying it all ( and also keep in mind I never went to college and am from Ghana West Africa). The transition to high school has been pretty smooth for us thanks to lots of info on college board page and also our current homeschool program Abeka academy….would not have it any other way right now. And also signed them up for IXL programs and also RAZkids. we are well on our way to success.

Lately, I have seen lots of  questions on social media from nervous parents about homeschooling high school kids. Some of their questions are, How do I know what curriculum to choose? How much math and science do students need? What if I can’t teach math?

I am glad to give any suggestions and the program we are currently using now, I am in the 2nd year  of homeschooling high school kids myself and can only share what has worked to prepare us for high school.

START PREPARING WELL BEFORE HIGH SCHOOL BEGINS

The end goal of high school is not a piece of paper. The goal of high school is to prepare your student for life after high school. For some students, that will mean college. For others, that will mean work or internships. Whatever their path. They need to be prepared.

We started teaching our kids to homeschool  independently in elementary and middle school. It started with me being there while they are homeschooling then I slowly started giving them the mantle to sit and listen and do their assignments. We also had them write book reports for every single book they read and also any trip to a museum was to be turned into a book report. that alone is teaching them writing skills and also reading and being able to express themselves.

By the time we reached high school, my daughters were both  self-learners. they are responsible for their studies and getting assignments done. My duty has gone from teacher to facilitator and grader thanks to ABeka academy. they  now have the ability to find information out on their own.

BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND

As we just talked about, the goal of high school is to prepare students for life after high school. To reach that goal, you are going to need to know what you need to reach it. Here are 4 things to keep in mind:

  • your state graduation requirements
  • college entrance requirements
  • career goals
  • necessary life skills

You can look up your state’s graduation requirements by just Googling them. These are the minimums you need and are usually quite easy to attain. Keep in mind that if your student is planning on attending college, the minimum will usually not meet most college entrance requirements.

When we started planning for high school, my daughters was unsure of what they wanted to do when they graduated high-school.

 

CREATE A ROAD MAP

Once you determine the amount of credits and other criteria necessary (volunteer hours, internships, etc.), you need to create a road map. You have a goal. You just need to figure out how to get there.

Your road map will include each year of high school, each subject area, and the required number of credits. For instance, if you know your student will need 4 years or credits of English, then list English under each year of school. We use Abeka academy and they actually made it easy to create this road map.

Do the same for each subject. If you know you need several electives or just 2 years of a foreign language, add them in where you think it would work for your schedule. Remember, this is not set in stone. The idea is to help you visualize the steps that you need to take to get to your goal.

Many people create an excel spreadsheet, use a printable, or just use a notebook to make their road map. Do what ever works for you and your student. Yes, don’t forget to get your student involved in this entire process. After all, they are the ones who have to do the actual work.

CHOOSE CURRICULUM

Once you have your road map created, start planning the 9th grade year. We started this process in middle school. We used middle school as prep years for high school, so that when  9th grade rolled around our daughters were ready for high school level studies.

It looked like this: with our girls we had time so we decided to do 2 electives since in 8th grade they did algebra 1.

  • English – 1 credit
  • Math – 1 credit
  • Social Studies – 1 credit
  • Foreign Language – 1 credit
  • Electives  ?

with our girls we stick with one accredited curriculum which is Abeka academy and they still love it. they said the chemistry teacher is boring but hey he is getting the lesson done and they actually enjoy what he is teaching, they just want him to tell more stories like their math teacher.

We also had the opportunity to use Rosseta stone Spanish and also traveled to a Spanish speaking  country and stayed for a total of 6 months while studying.

 

with the above listed you should be able to enjoy the homeschooling process and also make sure your kids are getting all they need to move on in their life either in college or a work place….

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with love

 

 

 

Ways to protect your relationship during Grief.

There are a lot of things that can come into a marriage that can have a real affect on the health of the relationship. We think about financial issues, infidelity and growing apart, but another area that we can’t really control can leave a huge strain on even the healthiest relationships and that’s grief.

Each marriage is different, as is each situation so it’s important to evaluate what each of you need for your situation. Here are some ways you can help protect your marriage/ relationship through loss and grief moments.

Who passed on..

If your loss has affected both of you, like perinatal grief or the death of a child, you need to acknowledge that you both grief differently. Perhaps your partner is crying a lot and you’re not. Maybe you seek their affection and they’re drawing away. No one grieves the same — even with the same situation and the sooner you realize it, the healthier your grief will be.

Speak about it all..

You need to speak to your partner about your feelings, and they should do the same with you. Don’t assume they don’t want to talk about it or that you will hurt them more if you bring it up.

don’t try to protect your partner..

One of the worse things I believe you can do for your grief is to pretend it’s not there. Don’t put on a face of happy to protect your partner’s feelings. Pretending it’s not there is not going to make it easier for either of you.

Remember smiling will help..

There will be times in your grieving that something still makes you smile, and it’s not uncommon to feel guilty about being momentarily happy. Remind each other — but don’t push each other — that those moments are healthy, ok and not something you should ever feel bad about.

Don’t place Blame…

Blame is like a plague that can enter a marriage after loss especially when it comes to perinatal loss (miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death) and the death of a child. Not only should you not blame your partner, but it’s important to not blame yourself either. If you find this creeping into your marriage, seek help fast.

Turn to each other and not away from each other..

One of the main things I’ve found that helps a person walk through the grief is to talk about it. If you’re grieving, turn to your partner  even if they’re grieving too, and don’t seek that emotional support without including them. They want to help you and turning to each other (as well as others) can help strengthen your bond.

Don’t sweat the small things..

Grieving is hard work. It leaves you tired, confused and realizing and acknowledge you both need a little extra care and time can go a long way. Realize that emotions may be short, crying may or may not happen and try not to sweat the small things during grief.

Treat each other with care..

If you’re best friend was grieving or another family member, chances are you will be treating them with the care and respect needed. Don’t forget to treat your partner the same way, with the same love and care.

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With love from my moments of Grieving…and now am sharing my lessons….

 

 

 

Keep Your Man excited in this Little Ways

While love is an experience shared between two lovers,  your behavior around your man can also impact his state of mind and the happiness of the relationship that you two share.

You may be a great lover. YES…

But you also need to be a great companion to enjoy the pleasures of a happy romance and when men are concern you must and need to keep intriguing them even after 50yrs of marriage…

Praise him in front of others.

When the woman in his life shows her appreciation for him in front of others, he’ll be grateful and glad to have someone who supports him and stands by him.

Make him feel secure.

While men may have epic egos, they’re also extremely fragile when it comes to the matters of the heart. They feel threatened easily, and go into an insecure shell. Avoid making your man  feel insecure in the right way and he will  express more love towards you.

Take the lead in bed.

Experiment, Yeap that’s what am saying….Be willing to try new things with your man. One of the biggest reasons why couples start getting bored in bed is because of the monotony and boredom of repetition. Keep things sexy and he will always be awed by you.

Motivate him in his endeavors.

You can pick flaws in your man and his ideas, but don’t oppose it without rational judgment. Bring out the best in your man and help him ‘achieve his destiny’ by motivating him and complimenting his achievements.

Be a great cook.

Food truly is the best way to a man’s heart. He may say he doesn’t care if you don’t know how to cook, but try cooking him a fabulous dish and he will experience a gastronomical orgasm….Yeap…learn this one from experience ..

Make him think you need him.

Men are the instinctive protectors. Make him feel like a man by making him believe you are dependent on him. When he truly believes you need him, he will cling to you because it makes him feel good inside. like a lion in a jungle…just ready to protect his cubs….

Give him his space( this is a Must)

Men are different from women when it comes to space. Most women are fine with having people around all the time. Men on the other hand, get annoyed when they don’t get some alone time by themselves. Give each other space, and you will see that your love will blossom better. And you will learnt to appreciate each other more….since most of the time Men forget what they have at home until they feel they are about to loose it all to another king of the jungle.

Ask his help now and then.

All men think they’re intellectuals with exceptional problem solving abilities. As long as you’re listening to his opinion with your eyes wide, he will swell with pride and love. I know it sounds so petty and childish but that’s just one of mans needs.

Look like a million bucks around him.

Look sexy when you’re with him. Getting naked should still be a treat, not a regular occurrence around the house. Dress well and make sure eyes turn when you’re in his arms. men love trophy for some reason they think that is how your should be all the time a polished trophy he won…

Respect him.

All of us need respect. When you’re in love, it’s easy to talk stupid or put down your man in jest, but be careful where to draw the line. Never ridicule him or put him down in public. Let him know you respect him, even if you pull his leg now and then.

Happiness in love comes from the inside, and unless both of you chose to be happy, no amount of gestures can make a difference.

So if you really want to be happy in the relationship, both of you have to make a conscious effort to fill the relationship with love and happiness.

 

10 Ways to Create a Strong, Intimate Relationship

Before I married my wonderful husband, I dated a lot of men(remember I stated dated). For most of my youthful years.  I had a perfect fairy-tale teenagers life kind  of what romantic love was, probably because I was just living life to the fullest even at that age of my life.

1. Use relationships to teach you how to be whole within

Relationships aren’t about having another person complete you, but coming to the relationship whole and sharing your life interdependently. By letting go of the romantic ideal of merging and becoming “one,” you learn  to love the distances in relationship as much as the togetherness.

2. See your partner for who he or she really is.

The romantic tragedy occurs when you view the person you are in love with as a symbol of what they have come to represent, the idea of them. When you realize that more often than not you don’t really know your partner, you begin to discover who they are and how they change and evolve.

3. Be willing to learn from each other.

The key is to see the other as a mirror and learn from the reflection how you can be a better person. When you feel upset, rather than blame your partner and point fingers, remain awake to what has yet to be healed and learned in yourself.

4. Get comfortable being alone.

In order to accept that love can’t rescue you from being alone, learn to spend time being with yourself. By feeling safe and secure to be on your own within the framework of relationship, you will feel more complete, happy, and whole.

5. Look closely at why a fight may begin.

Some couples create separateness by fighting and then making up over and over again. This allows you to continue the romantic trance, creating drama and avoiding real intimacy. If you become aware of what you fear about intimacy, you’ll have a better sense of why you’re fighting—and likely will fight far less.

6. Own who you are.

We generally grasp at romantic love because we’re yearning for something that is out of reach, something in another person that we don’t think we possess in ourselves. Unfortunately, when we finally get love, we discover that we didn’t get what we were looking for.

True love only exists by loving yourself first. You can only get from another person what you’re willing to give yourself.

7. Embrace ordinariness.

After the fairy-dust start of a relationship ends, (which usually last about 1yr after the social marriage stuff ) we discover ordinariness, and we often do everything we can to avoid it. The trick is to see that ordinariness can become the real “juice” of intimacy. The day-to-day loveliness of sharing life with a partner can, and does, become extraordinary.

8. Expand your heart.

One thing that unites us is that we all long to be happy. This happiness usually includes the desire to be close to someone in a loving way. To create real intimacy, get in touch with the spaciousness of your heart and bring awareness to what is good within you.

It’s easier to recognize the good in your partner when you’re connected to the good in yourself.

9. Focus on giving love.

Genuine happiness is not about feeling good about ourselves because other people love us,  it’s more about how well we have loved ourselves and others. The unintentional outcome of loving others more deeply is that we are loved more deeply.

10. Let go of expectations.

You may look to things such as romance and constant togetherness to fill a void in yourself. This will immediately cause suffering. If you unconsciously expect to receive love in certain ways to avoid giving that love to yourself, you will put your sense of security in someone else.

Draw upon your own inner-resources to offer love, attention, and nurturance to yourself when you need it. Then you can let love come to you instead of putting expectations on what it needs to look like.

These are only a few ways to explore real intimacy.  comment and share your views on how to create a loving connection in your relationship.

 

My valentines day Present….

In my opinion for any great relationship if it being your spouse, kids, friends or family..there is a few gift you can give that will help take your relationship to a whole new level.

So my husband and I have always made it a point to attend a self development seminar at least once a year. And am sure most people will ask why would you want that instead of roses and other material presents that anyone could give you.

C0-existing is a daily growing work and going to self development seminars is not just for anyone but its for you…yes YOU…

My husband and I have been married for 16yrs and I must say I have had such amazing moments in our relationship more than I have had challenges. which you must know for every great experience there is an ounce of challenges and they are not necessarily negative… they are challenges that help you grow from good to great. like one of our coach said  Brendan Burchard “honor the struggle”

So I think if your goal is to help and create special moments in your relationship then make it a point to go to a self development seminar for both of you.

This year we decide to take a 4 days all day seminar by Brendan Burchard and I must say it was an experience that will take out marriage from 16yrs of greatness to another 16yrs of Bliss. And its because we made the choice and commitment to do this for our marriage and am telling it works. so give the gift of self developmental programs. And it can be a self developmental audio program.

I remember the first few books Marcus got me as a gift was “the unstoppable You” and “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus”. and this 2 books created a path and set me on a journey that will have to and must create success and bliss in my life. and when challenges comes on my way I accept it and move on.

So I hope that my words here will inspire you to have a blissful relationship…

Here is a picture of Marcus and I in California allowing our lives to be changed.

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What it means to love Unconditionally

Before I start this blog, let me first share with you the meaning of that word “unconditional”

“Within the relationship itself, unconditional love is the ability to love the other person as they are in their essence. … Unconditional love within the context of a good relationship is a dance in which both partners participate. You begin with the essentials of self-love and mutual love and respect”.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way lets start with how that can help in your relationship and how it has helped me in so many ways when am just about to throw in the towel and let it all go…

Point one  is ” Men Pull away” get us to that 

Love… What is love? Love is to love someone for who they are, who they were, and who they will be.” 

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt it was the other person’s job to make you happy, to meet all of your needs, to understand you and know what you want without asking? I know I very much guilty of this behavior in the first few years of my marriage.

Or have you been on the other side of this scenario? You were the partner expected to fulfill the other person and manage their happiness. And I have certainly been on this side before…at least that is how I felt.

Either situation is perpetually frustrating. One partner never feels happy and content in the relationship because they are looking to the other person to perform the impossible. Expectation is such a bummer..

And the other partner feels unappreciated and overwhelmed by the inexhaustible emotional demands and needs of the other.

Sometimes this situation plays out where both partners expect the other person  to fulfill them and “make” them happy. They are in a perpetual stand-off of neediness and frustration leading to disengagement in the relationship.

Lasting relationships simply cannot be built upon a partnership in which one or both people are seeking a host organism to provide emotional and psychological nourishment.

Lasting relationships require unconditional love.

The term “unconditional love” might imply that one does attempt to meet all of the needs of the other, to read their minds, to accept and overlook all of the partner’s behaviors and actions no matter how selfish or demanding. But am here to tell you that is not the unconditional love am talking about.

This is not unconditional love. This is co-dependent love. It’s not grounded in a healthy foundation of self-respect and respect for the unique individual sharing the relationship with you. so make sure to identify which one you are exploring and experiencing in your relationship.

What is unconditional love?

Unconditional love in a relationship begins with oneself. To set the foundation for a lasting, healthy relationship, you must first have a strong sense of self-esteem and self-confidence (you don’t need anyone or in this case any man or woman to tell you that you are beautiful..if you have to be reminded then write a note on paste it on your mirror and around your home). This doesn’t mean you never have emotional difficulties or don’t need support and extra attention at times.

But you do need to feel generally good about yourself, to like yourself, and to recognize the positive qualities you bring to a relationship. It also means you can stand on your own two feet as an individual without requiring a romantic partner to define you or complete you. You can be together with someone and still remain fully yourself — as a person you like and respect. this is what unconditional love truly means…you can only give what you already have.

If you need to improve your self-esteem  or don’t feel confident in yourself as a capable, valuable person, then your relationship will suffer. Your insecurities will have an impact on your partner and on your mutual happiness. The best thing you can do for your relationship is to learn to love yourself and respect yourself. Offering unconditional love to yourself means you are able to view yourself as lovable and worthy — in spite of any perceived flaws or past mistakes.

Within the relationship itself, unconditional love is the ability to love the other person as they are in their essence. If you have fallen in love with this person and want to build a lasting relationship with them, then you must view them as a unique individual — not as an extension of yourself.

When you find someone who loves you as you are, and you are able to love them as they are,  it is an amazing experience and I must say its easier for a woman to experience this than it is for men. They may be different from you in many ways. They may view the world differently and have habits that you don’t share, but you can embrace these differences because they are part of this unique person you love.

But is love enough to build a lasting relationship? And does unconditional love mean that no matter what your partner does, your feelings don’t change? No to both questions….

Unconditional love within the context of a good relationship is a dance in which both partners participate. You begin with the essentials of self-love and mutual love and respect. You see and embrace the core of the other, their innate personality and worldview. You acknowledge the influences of their upbringing, life experiences, and ingrained behaviors.

But . . . unconditional love within the context of a lasting relationship requires lots of wiggle room. As part of self-love, you know your own personal boundaries  and the limits of what you find to be acceptable and healthy behaviors and reactions from your beloved.I am still learning what my husband behavior is as they seem to keep changing every time. When my husband “cheated” on me I thought I meant nothing to him and  God knows I was so sad and my self -esteem just dropped. But then I asked myself….what changed? and when I looked back I realized nothing changed…I changed. he did what he may have done either way even if he was married to me or to the most beautiful woman in the universe. So I remembered my unconditional love that I knew I had for him. and that is what pulled me through. I did not do it for him, I did it for me “Mavis Francois” and it felt right. I loved me unconditionally and it rubbed off him. He benefited from my unconditional love to myself.

When both partners are aware of their personal boundaries  and are committed to communicating them in loving and non-threatening ways, then the relationship can continue to re-calibrate and grow ever stronger over the years.

With the ability to communicate openly, negotiate willingly, and compromise and make adjustments, you can build a strong relationship in which unconditional love develops and grows more satisfying over time. Time makes it all work…

As I type this blog and thinking to myself…it has been 1 month and I have not seen my husband and he is not out working…he is out partying and living life…the life he chooses to live. he calls and talks to me if and when he feels like it. But does that change his love for me? you can see all the possible things that could be going through my head that can easily mess up the experience of a genuine unconditional love. the expectation of what a husband is suppose to do can be what can kill our marriage. so I do the best I can to love him from afar and unconditionally. trust me there are days I am confronted with the worldly expectations but since I am very much aware of my personal boundaries and my limit I make sure to remind myself that its all about me and not him. I am here with him because I choose too…and the same way I can choose not to be here with him.

Unconditional love is such a beautiful and freeing soul experience and must be experience by all mankind. I love my husband with all his floss and if and when that personal boundaries of mine is reached nothing can stop me to make a change.

so why not love unconditionally when you can and have the choice too…I hope this brings you closer to some awareness of that power you all have as a man and as a woman.

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He Cheated and She cheated too!!!

So I have been married for 16yrs now and I must say the thought of knowing that your partner whom you trust and share your life with is having another love relationship with another women. trust me I have had my share of those. But when it happened I had all the evidence and I did not go and scream…I sat down and decided what do “Mavis” want? yeap that is more important than what people will say or think. Its me not everyone who is married to him. So I decided to sit and we talked. Now the lie still comes out but what his excuse was did not change what I had already decided to do. Everyone is very different so please reading this blog is to give you some ideas but not to change or make you think that it’s OK for a man or woman to cheat in a relationship especially in marriage. perception is key in all this. I am still married and I did forgive my husband but not for him but its for me to free my spirit and soul and not to hold on and suffer for a fun he had. remember he or she was  not sad when they where committing the infidelity so why feel sad and be in pain for them. let go and stay if that is what you want or let go and move on if that is also what you desire. I don’t think any man or woman should be judge for their actions since we all have our very own choices and no one can make it for us. Love is a beautiful experience and we must be in a blissful moments with it. hope some of my steps will help you as it helped me in the first 5yrs of my marriage.

 

Make sure you have evidence. You do not want to confront your partner without some kind of proof. Even if you are positive your partner is cheating, your partner may be inclined to lie or become defensive if you don’t have definitive proof. Going into the situation, present some kind of evidence.

  • See if you can find anything that proves your suspicions. You may, for example, have received confirmation from a friend ( which you must be very careful with that). You may also have stumbled upon incriminating evidence through their phones or email.
  • Evidence can also help you feel more relaxed. Confrontation is inherently uncomfortable. You will feel more at ease confronting your partner if you’re sure of yourself.

Plan the confrontation. You do not want to run into the room angry and begin yelling at your partner. While imagining a wild confrontation may feel cathartic, it’s unlikely to go over well in real life. In order to get what you want out of a confrontation, you need to have a plan.

  • Choose a time and place where you can both talk. You want a time that is not disrupted by outside commitments. For example, agree to talk on a weekend afternoon when you are both free.and make sure to put your phones off.
  • Plan on presenting your evidence rather than asking. If someone’s been cheating, they’re likely to want to lie rather than own up to the fact.

Think about what you want. You should have some goals in mind going into the conversation. You cannot predict how the other person will react, or what he or she will want, but you can have an idea of what you hope to gain from the confrontation.

  • Where do you want to go from here? Do you want to come to a decision about the relationship, or have you already decided you want to end things?
  • You may also have certain questions. You may, for example, want an explanation for the infidelity. You may want to know why your partner acted the way they did, and whether they want to work things out. You can, for example, ask something like, “Why did you go to this other person when I was right there?”

Write down your thoughts. It’s very important to go into the conversation having a sense of what you want to say. You should write down your thoughts ahead of time. In difficult conversations, it can be hard to speak on the spot. If you formulate your thoughts ahead of time, this can help.

  • Think about what your feeling. What are the best ways to articulate this? How can you best make your feelings clear? Try to figure this out as you write and rewrite your thoughts on the page.
  • Also, consider what you want again. Do you have an end goal for the conversation? If so, include that here.

Release your expectations. You do not want to go into the conversation expecting it to go one way or another. This may affect your behavior, and make it more difficult to remain calm. Talking about cheating will be an emotionally draining experience. If you indulge fantasies in which your partner gets mad or defensive, you will go into the conversation on edge.

  • Instead, embrace what you don’t know. Think to yourself, as you enter the conversation, “I don’t know.” Remind yourself, as the conversation begins to unfold, “I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t know how my partner will react.”

Try to remain calm. It’s important to stay calm if you want to address the situation in a productive fashion. You likely have questions you want answered and issues you want addressed. In order for this to happen, you cannot completely lose control.

  • Take a few deep breaths before going into the conversation. You may want to even vent your emotions ahead of time, to someone else or in a journal, to get them out of your system.
  • It’s okay to have emotions. You may cry or become angry. However, strive to keep these emotions from inhibiting your ability to communicate effectively. You can also act on your emotions after dealing with the situation.

Address any reasons for infidelity. Infidelity usually has some underlying cause. While no one needs to take all of the blame, there may have been an underlying issue with your relationship. You should discuss this to figure out how to best move forward. This is particularly important if you want to salvage the relationship.

  • Your partner may be hesitant to open up about why they cheated. Factors that lead to an affair are sensitive, and your partner may want to spare your feelings. However, underlying factors need to be addressed in a healthy fashion.
  • As you address the reasons for the affair, go in with the right mindset. Do not think of it as any one person taking the blame. The two of you are working, collaboratively, on what may have gone wrong and whether it can be fixed.

Decide if you want to stay. Infidelity is not always insurmountable. Many couples find a way to move on from an affair. However, infidelity is also a major breach of trust. After the confrontation, you may find the relationship is not worth salvaging.

  • Remember, you need to know a lot about a situation before you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. During the confrontation, you should have uncovered a lot of facts about your relationship and your partner.
  • Do not make a decision right away. Spend a few days thinking things over and weighing the pros and cons. Making a decision about whether to stay after infidelity is never easy. Take all the time you need.

Commit to healing as a couple, if that’s what you want. If you decide you want to stay together, both of you need to commit to the healing process. Try to abandon feelings of blame and anger. Move forward together as a couple.

  • Moving on together is reassuring for the partner who was betrayed. It is also encouraging for the partner who was unfaithful. You want to work on creating a new foundation for the relationship.
  • Accept that it will take time for you to re-build trust and intimacy. Lay down some ground rules in regards to things like communication. For example, maybe it would be best not to address the affair directly right now. You could say something like, “I think we should work on having as normal a relationship possible. I don’t want to mention the affair going forward unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

Reach out to others for help. It’s important to seek emotional support after a partner has cheated. If you need to vent your feelings, reach out to friends and family members.

  • Remember not to be vindictive. You don’t want to spread negativity about your partner. Focus on yourself and your feelings rather than complaining about your partner. Talk about our own feelings. Say something like, “I feel so hurt by what he or she did” instead of, “He or she really hurt me because he’s or she’s a jerk.”
  • Whether you decide to remain in the relationship or not, the support of others here is important. You deserve care, love, and support after having been betrayed.
  • Remember it’s really ok to cry and you should not be ashamed to do so. if you need to do it in your room or bathroom…let it all out and move on to either working it out or moving on to being apart.

 

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